There are so many questions that go along with adoption. People (at least from the area we live in) are not really familiar with a private, domestic adoption. Since announcing our adoption, people really seem to be interested in how the whole process works, how the baby and birth family comes into the picture, how to pay for the adoption, and what “step” we are currently working on in this process. We do not mind answering questions one bit, but, I definitely wanted to put together a list of the most frequently asked questions and have the answers here. Maybe you are on the fence about adoption and need some questions answered. Maybe the only information you have on adoption is what you’ve seen on a Lifetime movie. Or, maybe, you just want to know how we are doing but haven’t wanted to “annoy us” with questions. I’m just touching on the main ones we’ve been asked consistently. If you have questions that I haven’t covered, please feel free to reach out! I do NOT mind being asked a million questions;) Its a huge thing. Adoption is not the typical way to expand a family. And there are so many different routes to adopting, you’ll find each person’s story is different.
- Why Adoption? You can read our entire journey to adoption here. After suffering with infertility for several years, we knew we were looking at doing IVF or adoption. After several major, devastating events in our family, we realized maybe God has a different plan for us. Adoption was laid heavy on our hearts and after doing some research, we knew we had found our path.
- How does the process work? There are many different ways to bringing a baby into your home. With us, we knew the home study process would take a long time. According to different Internet searches, the home study can take anywhere from 3-6 months. Friends of ours that have adopted suggested we go ahead and start our home study process while still trying to decide which agency we wanted to work with. We found an Atlanta based company, AAA Partners In Adoption, that handles home studies. They also place some children with families but it seems their real niche is the home study. We applied with them and within two days, they were scheduling our home visit (you can read all about that experience here or here). We are still currently working on our home study, getting closer to finishing it. The home study requires a TON of information from physicals to drug screens to TB tests, septic and water inspections to financial statements to insurance information. It. is. crazy. We even had to get our septic tank pumped! The county inspector wouldn’t inspect it if it had not been pumped in 3-5 years. Humph. THAT was a hard pill to swallow. But, we did it and its fine. So, while working on our home study, we decided to apply to a consultant group called Faithful Adoption Consultants. They are made up of three women who love God and love adoption and they really seem to be impacting people’s lives. We knew we wanted to work with them and after praying SO hard, we were accepted! So we are simultaneously working with FAC to become active as well as working to finish up our home study. I’ll go into more detail about consultant groups and FAC in the next questions… Once we become active, it is just a lot of waiting to see when a birth mom will pick us! We could be picked by a pregnant mom or by a mom who has just given birth. We really have no preference!
- What is a consultant group? A consultant group is basically a group that helps you through the adoption process and connects you with agencies they work with. A consultant group is NOT a child placing agency. They network with many different agencies across the country. When you sign up with a consultant group and become active (actively searching/waiting for a birth mom), they send your information to all the agencies they network with. Based on your preferences for the baby and birth mom (health issues, drug/alcohol addiction, family history), it is cross referenced with the birth mom’s preferences for the adoptive parents. If there is a potential match, the agency sends the consultant group the birth mom situation and it is presented to the prospective adopting parents. If the adoptive parents are interested, their information is given to the birth mom. If the birth mom chooses the adoptive parents, then there is a match and the adoptive parents apply to the agency that the birth mom is working with. A consultant group is not necessary to adopt. It just helps [possibly] speed up the process. It is an added expense to work with them, however, you have the added benefit of being presented to multiple agencies. Because of that, the wait time to be matched is tremendously shorter. Another added benefit of a consultant? You have someone in YOUR corner. You have someone you can call with questions, concerns, to vent, etc. They help direct you towards grants, loans, fundraising ideas. They counsel you, guide you, through the muddy waters of adoption.
- Who is FAC? FAC is the consultant group we are working with. It is made up of three lovely ladies (their spouses help out, too!) who have a heart for Jesus and for adoption. They are based out of Atlanta. I found them while researching adoption blogs and with every story I loved, the parents used FAC. I knew it was a sign. Currently, we are in the “inactive” period with them. We are waiting for our home study report to come back. We also have to put together our adoption profile book, which is a book about Carey and I. It will be the initial introduction to the birth mom (no pressure there). Once we get our documents together and our profile book completed, we will become active and it will just be a waiting game! Check out FAC on Facebook and Instagram. They are constantly having families brought together with their help and they are changing lives every day. Its amazing to see!
- So, are you with an agency? No, we will not be working directly with an agency until we are matched with a birth mom.
- How long before you have a baby? There is no guarantee. FAC does year long contracts. So, from the time you’re considered active, you have one year to become matched. We were told their average wait time is 4-6 months, respectively. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t get matched in a day, a week, a month, or ten months. Its all according to God’s plan. We are thinking [hoping] that if we take three months to become active, then have an average 4-6 months of waiting, we could be matched in roughly 7-9 months. If we are matched with a pregnant birth mom, we will then get to know her throughout the rest of her pregnancy then have the baby placed with us once he/she is born!
- Will you get a newborn? Yes. We are hoping to bring home a baby straight from the hospital. Occasionally, a situation may come up for a slightly older baby, or a sibling group. But typically, private adoptions are all newborns.
- Are you gender or race specific? No. One, because we feel this is God’s calling for us to adopt. He has already selected our perfect child. That child may look just like us or he/she may look completely different. Either way, we feel we are not in any place to put limitations on a baby because of the way it looks. Two, adding specific preferences can significantly increase your wait time to be matched. Three, FAC has a policy that if you are only willing to accept Caucasian or Caucasian mixes, you must be open to drug/alcohol abuse and special needs. While we do not care what our baby looks like, we are not capable of caring for a child that will need the special attention required by babies born in those situations.
- Are you scared about a failed adoption? Absolutely. There are no guarantees. Ever. Adoption can be risky. Watching friends experience a failed adoption was heartbreaking. But watching them handle it with quietness and grace, it was inspiring. FAC takes certain steps to help ensure a smooth transition from birth mom to adoptive parents. They only work with agencies located in “safe states”; meaning, the birth mom has 12-72 hours to sign over her rights. Once she does, they are irrevocable. Some states, even though she signs over her rights, she has a certain period to still change her mind (ex: 14 days, 30 days, even 90 days in some states). Working with safe states means a birth mom can’t come back with a changed mind after a month. The agencies FAC works with typically will not match a mom before she’s in her third trimester. By then, she has pretty much made the decision of adoption and has maybe had counseling and support to help make that difficult decision. FAC also counsels you on potential “warning signs” that the birth mom may be changing her mind.
- How much will this cost? According to the “trusty” Internet, private domestic adoptions can run anywhere from $25,000-$50,000. Like everything else with adoption, it is all circumstantial. Things like birth mother living expenses, medical expenses, legal fees, etc can vary. We have set our budget and FAC will only present in our budget. We did give them permission to present situations up to $3,000 over our budget. When you’re looking at tens of thousands of dollars, what’s a couple more thousand, anyways?
- How are you going to pay for this? We have been prepared for the fact that we may need to pay a substantial amount of money to have a child. So, we began saving as soon as we were married. We are continuing to save. I am also working extra shifts at the hospital and Carey has taken on several side jobs. Currently between the two of us, we are working around 100 hours a week. All of the extra money is going into a special savings account for the adoption. We are also planning several fundraisers that will be discussed in more details in upcoming posts. We are also prepared to apply for grants as well as loans to help cover costs.
- Open or closed adoption? We are open to whatever level of contact the birth mom is interested in. If she wants to be involved, of course we will include her. Studies show kids who are adopted do tremendously better in the long run if they are still in contact with their birth families. In a closed adoption, there can be a sense of loss, abandonment, or self identity issues. We want whatever is best for the child. As long as the relationship is healthy for our family, we will maintain whatever level of contact the birth mom wants.
- Don’t you want one of your own? Honestly, this question is really upsetting to me. Whatever child we have in our home will be our own. The child will bear our name, we will feed him/her, provide love and shelter to him/her. We will discipline him/her and raise them to know right from wrong. Is that not a parent? Just because the child doesn’t have our DNA doesn’t mean the child isn’t our own. We would like to have a biological child one day, if God allows. But I already love this baby as I would if it was growing inside me. I pray over the baby. I think about the baby. I make plans for the baby. I dream of the baby’s future. DNA doesn’t make a family. Love does.
- How are you going to prepare for a baby? We are both CPR certified. We have both been around babies and kids our entire lives. I worked with kids from the time I was 14. We have a dog trainer coming to our home to prepare our dogs for this next phase of life. We have picked out paint and are gearing up to get the nursery set up. We are doing all the normal stuff expecting parents do in the first and second trimester.
- How are y’all doing? We are doing well. I’m not gonna lie, some days are better than others. Some WEEKS are better than others. We are working so much more and so hard to make sure this is all done correctly that we are tired. Some days, we just chill on the couch with ice cream and Netflix and zone out. We give ourselves time to recharge (when we can). Adoption is NOT for the weak of heart. It. Is. Hard. Repeat that several times. But then repeat after me… It. Is. Worth. It. Let that sink in. All this, all this paperwork, all these hoops and red tape, is just temporary. The long hours, the overtime, the time away from my house and from Carey, its all temporary. We are going to have a BABY. When I get bogged down, I think that thought. We are learning to lean on each other and communicate differently and rely on each other in a different way. Its really great seeing how our relationship is changing (for the better) because of the adoption.
Whew, that was a long post. Imagine being asked ALL those questions in one sitting and explaining all that! Hope this clears up some questions. I hope it also helps provide additional things to pray over us. We are so blessed with amazing people in our lives that love us, care about us, pray for us, and support us. Thank y’all for everything so far. We couldn’t have came this far without y’all.
XO,
Kaitlin
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, and good fruit, impartial, and sincere.”
James 3:17
Seeking the Positive 